


Regrets

by moonbeambucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 09:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18340739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbeambucky/pseuds/moonbeambucky
Summary: Bucky lives with the regret of unspoken words





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Written on tumblr for @suz-123 Suz Hit 1.5K Eighties Movie Writing Challege Extravaganza! Except I chose a mystery prompt: “Why would you say that to me?” “Because it’s true. I hate you and I never want to see you again.” Flashbacks are in italics

Bucky stands before a door but he can’t go in. Regret has cemented itself within his soul, grounding him to the floor rendering him unable to move. His chest is heavy, weighed down by the words left unsaid in his broken heart.

She’s waiting behind the door, waiting to hear the things he should have said the last time they saw each other. The wrong words spilled from his lips, strong like a river’s current and he couldn’t fight it, he couldn’t take them back.

In his heart he imagines her standing in the center of the room, holding her arms open to him as he begged for forgiveness. The guilt eats away at the rotten core of what’s left of him. Bucky Barnes has done terrible things throughout his long life, but this by far is the worst.

_“I’m so sorry!” Bucky apologized profusely._

_His impatience with the indecisive person in front of him had his nerves riled up. He knows he’s in a bad mood because he’s tired and because Sam finished the rest of his coffee that was specifically labeled for Bucky’s use only. He hated having to face the world without his morning brew and he couldn’t subject himself to drinking whatever Tony claims to be coffee anymore._

_The small cafe down the street had amazing coffee and long lines to prove it. Long enough for him to believe the person in front of him had more than enough time to decide what their order was before wasting his time by hogging the barista at the counter._

_When it’s finally his turn he huffs loudly and stomps over to the register, completely ignoring the woman clutching a fresh hot cup of coffee. Bucky collides with her, knocking the cup out of her hand. It splashes to the floor, with hot liquid licking at her ankles._

_“I’m so sorry! Are you alright?”_

_Stunned by the impact she nearly fell into the nearest table which was thankfully empty. She gripped the side and bent over, rubbing away the sting of the heat on her skin._

_“Yeah, I’m okay,” she groaned frustratedly, grabbing a napkin to pat the liquid off her shoes._

_When she finally looked up her eyes scanned the frame of the person that knocked into her. He was tall and broad, and built with solid muscle she had felt firsthand. To anyone else this man was probably extremely intimidating but in this moment all she could see was the softness in his eyes._

_“Please let me get you another,” he offered with a gentle tone._

_Bucky got back in line, cursing himself for being so stupid. Not only did he make a mess, his sensitive hearing picked up the grumblings of the employee mopping the area, but he knocked into the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen._

_He orders a regular coffee for himself along with what she had gotten before he spilled it everywhere and asked for a large chocolate chip cookie as well. He’s had them before, soft with just the right amount of crunch and gooey chocolate chips. He hopes it serves as an extra peace offering._

_In his younger days Bucky would have been much more smooth, handing her his phone number on top of this, with some slick line about how they could go out for coffee again in the morning. Today Bucky can barely muster up the courage to talk to a woman; he lost his touch when he lost himself, falling off that train so many years ago._

_Truthfully Bucky loves the idea of having someone in his life but his cruel mind reminds him of all the reasons why it could never happen. They say his mind is healed but he knows that’s not true, not entirely. He’s still left with the memory of a lifetime of regret, reliving his past through all too real nightmares._

_Even if someone wanted to put up with all his mental baggage he worries that they’ll be in danger. Bucky can protect himself from any threats that dare come his way, but his enemies could easily target the person he loves, knowing Bucky couldn’t protect them all the time. So he believes it’s better to keep a loved one safe by not having a loved one at all._

_Bucky threw his principles aside the moment she, Y/N as she introduced herself, thanked him and invited him to sit down with her. It was the softness she noticed earlier that prompted her to take a chance and ask him to sit down. There was something about him, beyond his exceedingly good looks that was pulling her towards him._

_Bucky was a stuttering mess, unable to decline her offer no matter how much he wanted to. If he was honest with himself there was really no protest at all. Bucky fell harder for her than the coffee that spilled._

With a stiff inhale of breath he pushed the door open. His footsteps were soft yet each one feels heavier than the last. He’s suffocating under the weight of his actions. He needs to apologize, he must, even if this means it’s really over.

He finally makes it to her side standing over her and gazing down at the way her eyes are shut gently, her lips looking as soft as they ever have. She’s beautiful. She always was from the moment he saw her.

He loved every facet of her beauty from the early mornings when her eyes were barely open, digging out the remnants of sleep from the corners to the ways her face twisted with pleasure beneath him.

He loved hearing his name on her lips, crying out like a prayer to any God that would listen to her laughter that played like the most beautiful song in the world. It was so vibrant, so uplifting he would do anything to hear it.

He missed her laugh, he missed the sound of her voice. He missed all the ways she would kiss him, soft and languid, hungry and deep. He missed the ways she would hold him, lazily running her fingers through his hair as he clung to her body, feeling her press him even closer.

He missed her gorgeous smile and that sparkling look in her eyes that told him just how much she loved him.  _Does she still love him? Did she mean what she said?_

She’s right in front of him but he missed her.

She’s comfortable, lying down and Bucky drops his heavy head, letting a tear slip from the corner of his eye.

He’s a coward. He’s the biggest coward in the world. He’s ready to pour his heart out to her now, not when he should have, but now as she lies asleep. He hopes the words reach her, that she hears his voice calling out to her like a beacon of light that will guide the way and bring her back to him.

Bucky is hesitant to take her hand but he does, placing it in his own and running his fingers over her knuckles like he always used to. She craved his warmth, one of the positive side effects the serum and experimentation gave him, and Bucky loved to give her what she wanted.

Y/N gave him the world, and Bucky was too stupid to see it.

_They went out for coffee more frequently until Bucky mustered up the courage to ask Y/N on a real date. He took her to a fancy restaurant wanting to make everything special, if he was going to do this everything had to be perfect but Bucky quickly learned that Y/N thought being with Bucky was special enough._

_Y/N made Bucky feel like he could have a fresh start. She knew about his past and loved him any way. When he awoke from nightmares he called her and no matter the time she spoke to him, calmed him with her soft voice and sweet words. Bucky was stunned the day she told him she loved him. It wasn’t possible, he thought, that someone could love him truly but she did._

_“I love you James Buchanan Barnes. I love you with every part of my soul and I always will.”_

Bucky opens his mouth to speak but the words are trapped. He swallows a painful lump in his throat, feeling his lungs constrict as he remembers to breathe. He doesn’t know where to begin.

_Y/N became a serious part of Bucky’s life and after a few years of dating she moved in. It took some getting used to, living in a building with several superheroes but Bucky ensured it was the best way to keep her safe._

_“I love you Y/N,” Bucky said, brushing her hair aside and pressing his lips to her temple._

_She nuzzled closer to him, burying herself in his warmth, unable to see the blissful smile on Bucky’s face as he fell asleep with ease. For the first time in his life Bucky is happy, truly happy and he doesn’t want anything to change._

He croaks out an apology. It’s nowhere near as articulate as the several times he’s had this conversation in his head. It was easier then, to reword his sentences and the several different ways he could apologize. Tears spill down his face as he grips her hand now, begging for her to wake up and forgive him.

“I take it back. I take it all back, please,  _please_ Y/N, I’m so sorry!” Bucky cried, not caring how loud he is.

_Bucky didn’t know that Y/N was home from work. She had taken off and spent most of the day running around with excitement. She couldn’t wait for him to get back. He had been gone for about a week and she was on edge until he reached out, letting her know that he was safe and on his way home._

_The moment he was back he ran through the door, lifting her into his arms and twirling her around._

_“Bucky put me down!” It came out as a giggle as he peppered every part of her with kisses, tickling her neck with his scratchy beard._

_Bucky listened but didn’t let go, capturing her lips this time with a passionate kiss. “I missed you doll, missed ya so much.”_

_“I missed you too,” she sighed, staring at him with a glowing smile._

_Bucky needed a shower and asked Y/N to join him. He was slightly disappointed when she didn’t but he figured she probably didn’t want to witness all the sweat and grime washing off his skin post-mission._

_Toweled off and changed into more comfortable clothing, Bucky looked around his room for Y/N and frowned when she wasn’t there. She showed up ten minutes later with a cup of coffee in her hand bearing the logo of the cafe they first met at._

_“Don’t bump into me!” she jokingly warned, handing him the cup._

_A smirk pulled Bucky’s lips to the side. “What’s this about doll?”_

_With a deep inhale Y/N began pacing in front of him. “From the day you knocked the coffee from my hands you opened up my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you Bucky.”_

_Y/N sucked her bottom lip into her mouth as tears began to flood her eyes. Bucky got up, wrapping his arms around her. “It’s okay baby,” he reassured. His choice of words were poor but neither of them would have known it at the time._

_His thumbs gently brushed away her tears and Y/N pressed her lips to his for a quick kiss. She left his embrace to grab a photo from her bag. A smile spread across her face as she handed it to him, beaming with anticipation._

_Bucky’s confused face dropped as he scanned the photo. He recognized the light silhouette against the dark background, with Y/N’s name beside medical data._

_“What is this?” he asked above the sound of his heart beating furiously in his ear, even though he knew._

_“I’m pregnant!” Y/N happily cried._

_She motioned towards Bucky before she heard the first of many words that broke her heart, “no”._

_“N-no?” she questioned._

_“No. No you can’t be.” Bucky’s heart raced faster than it ever had before. This can’t be happening. His life is perfect, he doesn’t want it to change. “No… I… I-I don’t want this…”_

_A lump caught in Y/N’s throat as she sternly questioned, “You don’t want this?”_

_Bucky couldn’t articulate himself. He loved Y/N, he loved her so much. It was hard enough to let her in and trust the fact that she would be safe, but to have a baby, to be a father? He wasn’t ready for it. Not yet. That required time and mental preparation. He wants to tell Y/N that but Bucky is panicking and he doesn’t._

_“I just want you.”_

_Y/N’s eyes flare with anger, like a kettle left too long on the stove, she’s piping hot and unleashing her steam at Bucky._

_“Well it isn’t just me anymore! I can’t believe you. I thought I knew you.”_

_“Y/N please,” he begged, but Bucky doesn’t know what he’s begging for._

_As Bucky took a step closer towards her Y/N took one back. She could barely look at him and the thought of Bucky even touching her made her sick. This wasn’t the person she knew, not the person she loved._

_“Y/N…” Bucky tried once more to reach his hand out._

_“Don’t touch me! Get away from me!” she yelled._

_Y/N was backed up against the wall, holding her stomach with one hand protectively. When their gazes met his heart cracked, seeing the love she once had for him replaced by fear._

_“I hate you! You’re a monster!” she sobbed, as hot tears burning their way down her cheeks._

_Bucky’s soul shattered at her words._ **_“Why would you say that to me?”_ **

_He asked even though he knew it deep down. He could never get away from the truth, how he’s always felt since Hydra got their hands on him, and formed him into the vile creature he knows he is._

_Only a monster could react the way he did when the woman he loved told him they were going to have a child._

**_“Because it’s true. I hate you and I never want to see you again.”_ **

_Bucky didn’t stop Y/N as she ran out of their apartment. The world was collapsing on top of him and he lost the will to fight. She took everything, she was everything._

_Y/N ran past Steve and Sam, ignoring their concerned pleas that faded as she slammed open the door, nearly tripping over her legs down the staircase. She needed to get out, to get away from everyone, especially Bucky._

_She gasped for air once she found her way outside but it didn’t help. Everything was closing in on her and all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry until she ran out of tears. She needed to get away, she was still too close, too close to the man whose child would grow inside her._

_She loved him but in that moment she hated everything about him. Y/N didn’t understand why and her heart wrenched in her chest the more she tried._

_Her head was throbbing, her vision so blurred with tears she didn’t see the bus as she stepped out on the street._

“I never meant it Y/N, please I love you. I love you so much. I didn’t mean any of it. I was scared. I was stupid. I love you so fucking much. I want it. I want to be a dad. I want everything with you. Please, please come back to me,” Bucky blubbered, caressing her cold, stiff hand against his cheek.

He didn’t hear Steve enter the room, but he felt his friend by his side, gripping his shoulder in consolation.

Steve sniffed back tears, telling Bucky it was time to get up but he didn’t, he couldn’t. If he got up it would be real and Bucky didn’t want to face reality ever again. He didn’t want to acknowledge the array of memorial flowers beside him and he couldn’t bear to look at the enlarged photo of her at a happier time.

She was smiling brighter than the sun that kissed her shoulders on that warm afternoon. They had a picnic in Central Park and Bucky couldn’t keep his hands off of her. He was so in love, so completely devoted to the woman beside him.

The memory breaks him again and he’s angry, screaming at Y/N, “Please come back to me, please Y/N, please!” he wailed over her body, unmoving in the casket.

“Buck, her parents are almost here, c’mon, you don’t want them to see this,” Steve begged.

“Do they know? Do they know  _I_  did this?” Bucky seethed, loathing every part of the awful truth, each word leaving a sour taste on his tongue. His stomach bubbled with unease as he tormented himself with an agonizing mantra, “It’s my fault… it’s all my fault.”

Steve tugged Bucky into his arms for a crushing hug. He couldn’t say anything, he let his friend stain his suit with tears just as he had been doing since they found her laying in the street.

Bucky’s world ended the day Y/N walked out, and every day since he’s barely survived. He lives with the guilt of regret that will haunt him forever.


End file.
